MEMORY REFERENCE POST

[was_no_monster]

to make future memory shares easier and also for fun.

Comments

http://vocaloidressing.livejournal.com/196117.html?thread=23978517#t23978517

[was_no_monster]

[ you're hours into trying to exhaust yourself, tearing a building apart with nothing more than your body's bare hands, and you can still hardly bear to be still. disaster is hanging over your head, implacable and waiting, and you're practically vibrating with the the futile desire to outrun it, tear it apart, something. it's an itch crawling about under your skin where you can feel it, holding your numb spots together where you can't, and you are so tired of feeling like this you could kill something, shatter bones beneath your hands and listen to them scream.

(you're not angry, though. you won't let yourself be angry. you don't deserve to be angry; you brought this on yourself, you hideous, cursed—)

someone behind you sneezes.

you whip around, frustration spiking, and for a moment your vision is so red you almost don't recognize who you're looking at. it's Miku, though, and even if she isn't yours her face and her voice have been burned into your heart and the person wearing them is someone you don't want to be a monster in front of. it takes effort, but for her you will ignore everything wrong with you until you can pretend you aren't one, just for a little while.

she notices you're doing it anyway, and when she asks why you can't bring yourself to lie. you talk, and she offers herself to wear yourself out against— and you want to, you want to so badly because you know it will help, but that you want to makes you sick with self-loathing. of course the answer to "what kind of monster would want to hurt someone wearing their love's face?" would be you; why are you even surprised by this anymore?

it's probably because you try to pretend you aren't, even now. that repays you about as well as it ever had; she laughs at your concern and it's the stupidest thing— you really do know she could wipe the floor with you, but you look up to her and you're already raw and being laughed at hurts right now. it's fine, though. it's fine. you ignore it and settle into place, because you still deserve it why, but she's still taunting you and you can't even be worthy of her fear? and you are so, so tired of hurting why is she hurting you why is she hurting you

why? why, why, why, how dare she they hurt you why, you should

she should

hurt







—your head hurts so badly that for a moment you can barely even think through it. she hadn't been kidding; how hard had she even hit you? ]